EXT. AARON NORRIS’ BEACH HOUSE -- DAY
June, 1994. AARON NORRIS, producer/director/stunt coordinator/Chuck Norris’ brother, sits poolside sipping banana daiquiris with his pal, character actor, TIM GRAYEM. The afternoon sun simmers through the brown haze of LA smog on yet another mercury boiling summer day.
AARON NORRIS
So, I was thinkin’.
TIM GRAYEM
What was you thinkin’?
AARON NORRIS
My brother Chuck, we should put ‘em in a comedy.
TIM GRAYEM
Is he funny?
AARON NORRIS
Sure he’s funny. Just the other day he was doin’ this Jack Nicholson impression. He was like, “You can’t handle the truth.” (laughs)
TIM GRAYEM
Oh yeah, the Joker. That’s pretty funny. Batman was a cool movie.
AARON NORRIS
I don’t think that’s from Batman. It think it’s from the movie where he plays the werewolf.
TIM GRAYEM
Oh yeah, that movie.
AARON NORRIS
Well, what should this comedy be about?
TIM GRAYEM
I dunno. What if he were like this black guy, a cop from Detroit and he comes to some ritzy neighborhood like Beverly Hills and then he causes all kinds of trouble, but you know, “funny trouble.” He could also have a laugh that’s funny too.
AARON NORRIS
That sounds funny, but I don’t know if Chuck can play black.
TIM GRAYEM
Um okay, so the other I went down to video store and I rented this movie called K-9. It had that guy, you know, Belushi, the dead guy’s brother and he’s a cop but his partner, get this, is a DOG.
AARON NORRIS
A dog, that’s funny. Then what happens?
TIM GRAYEM
Well, then the dog, you know, does funny stuff.
AARON NORRIS
“A dog doing funny stuff.” I like it. But we can’t just rip it off. Somebody might sue us. What’s different about our movie?
TIM GRAYEM
Oh! I know! I know! Instead of that Belushi guy, you put Chuck Norris in it!
AARON NORRIS
My brother, Chuck Norris?
TIM GRAYEM
Yeah, that guy.
AARON NORRIS
High five, man, you just earned a Story Credit!
TIM GRAYEM
I did? High five!
INT. MOVIE THEATER, ANYTOWN, USA -- NIGHTSo, I was thinkin’.
TIM GRAYEM
What was you thinkin’?
AARON NORRIS
My brother Chuck, we should put ‘em in a comedy.
TIM GRAYEM
Is he funny?
AARON NORRIS
Sure he’s funny. Just the other day he was doin’ this Jack Nicholson impression. He was like, “You can’t handle the truth.” (laughs)
TIM GRAYEM
Oh yeah, the Joker. That’s pretty funny. Batman was a cool movie.
AARON NORRIS
I don’t think that’s from Batman. It think it’s from the movie where he plays the werewolf.
TIM GRAYEM
Oh yeah, that movie.
AARON NORRIS
Well, what should this comedy be about?
TIM GRAYEM
I dunno. What if he were like this black guy, a cop from Detroit and he comes to some ritzy neighborhood like Beverly Hills and then he causes all kinds of trouble, but you know, “funny trouble.” He could also have a laugh that’s funny too.
AARON NORRIS
That sounds funny, but I don’t know if Chuck can play black.
TIM GRAYEM
Um okay, so the other I went down to video store and I rented this movie called K-9. It had that guy, you know, Belushi, the dead guy’s brother and he’s a cop but his partner, get this, is a DOG.
AARON NORRIS
A dog, that’s funny. Then what happens?
TIM GRAYEM
Well, then the dog, you know, does funny stuff.
AARON NORRIS
“A dog doing funny stuff.” I like it. But we can’t just rip it off. Somebody might sue us. What’s different about our movie?
TIM GRAYEM
Oh! I know! I know! Instead of that Belushi guy, you put Chuck Norris in it!
AARON NORRIS
My brother, Chuck Norris?
TIM GRAYEM
Yeah, that guy.
AARON NORRIS
High five, man, you just earned a Story Credit!
TIM GRAYEM
I did? High five!
They high-five.
April, 1995. It’s a slow Friday night at a typical small-town cineplex. In a largely unoccupied theater, Top Dog starring Chuck Norris plays imperviously on the screen.
VOICE (O.S.)
This movie sucks!
This movie sucks!
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