You may have missed it but last year, but the good people at Sony Pictures Home Entertainment blessed us with another entry in the venerable Universal Soldier series. Promisingly, this one re-teamed original stars Van Damme and Lundgren in what promised to be a real return to form for the sagging franchise. And while Universal Soldier: Regeneration is not what one might call a failure, it’s not quite the slam-bang action thriller we all probably wanted.

Unfortunately most of the movie belongs to stone-faced UFC pit-dog Andrei Arlovski. Saggy-eyed Van Damme looks like he’s been swallowing pharmaceutical-quality Quaaludes as he sleepwalks throughout his scenes – in fact, he wrapped up his portion of the film in a hasty 20 days.

Probably the biggest insult is that Herr Dolph has been hastily shoehorned in for what amounts to a glorified cameo. Lundgren occupies the screen for all of ten minutes. His appearance is completely illogical, save to stick his Nordic mug on the DVD cover. If you feel cheated, you’ve every right to - although his super grisly death scene is pretty memorable.

Alas, saint that I am, the Actioneer has already presented it to you in all its glory.

Move on, kids…nothing else to see here.

80’s cinema was rife with inspirational anthems of victory. Lyrics chronicled men and women with their backs against the wall - whose indomitable American spirit allowed them to triumph over the odds and defeat Communism, ninjas, high school bullies, power mad industrialists, narcoterrorists and guerilla insurgents.

Some of these rousing melodies still resonate with us today (“You’re the Best”, “Winner Takes All”, “The Touch”). Some are long forgotten (“Fight to Survive”, “Tales of Power”). And some are “Talons of the Eagle”.

Talons of the Eagle was a tepid effort from “The Lebanese Steven Seagal”, Jalal Merhi. It marked the first of his three collaborations with Tae Bo huckster, Billy Blanks. The movie is of little interest unless you’re curious about what ever happened to “that chick who replaced Suzanne Somers on Three’s Company”.

The theme song though, is something else entirely. To a chugging, mid-tempo backdrop of Toronto’s least-enthused studio musicians, Jonas J. Patricko implores that “you’ve got to learn to play the game, always stay cool” and that “you’ve got to stay strong to survive.” As it blares past the two-minute mark, one longs for the lyrical profundity of Stan Bush…the studio wizardry of Jan Hammer…and then with the last off-key wailing of the wedding band reject back-up singer it ends – and peace once again falls upon the land.

But how long before Patricko strikes again?

Keep your firearms at the ready, Actionettes.