tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53600633616392677732024-03-05T07:47:15.506-06:00The ActioneerA high-velocity edge-of-your-seat thrill-ride through the Actionverse.The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.comBlogger67125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-7004072603827577092013-04-17T17:29:00.001-05:002013-04-17T17:29:57.260-05:00The Actioneer: The Tumblr!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHVEtPmnV-0HoM3clWqMrjZ8W1_sThadjIZq4LwQ14BQYIjOmjpiAp1k6esFc3dvbWjIOf-AeNr_Kt8BjSTSUb8liFhL-5LgSYNdHRQjNavi-MxQXOODSxUOaqv73ycQ9ECehTQ1NErpp0/s1600/AmericanNinja9.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHVEtPmnV-0HoM3clWqMrjZ8W1_sThadjIZq4LwQ14BQYIjOmjpiAp1k6esFc3dvbWjIOf-AeNr_Kt8BjSTSUb8liFhL-5LgSYNdHRQjNavi-MxQXOODSxUOaqv73ycQ9ECehTQ1NErpp0/s320/AmericanNinja9.jpg" /></a>
<br />
<br />
Loyal Actionettes,
<br />
<br />
The Bad News: The Actioneer blog is no more.
<br />
<br />
The Good news: The Actioneer is now a tumblr!
<br />
<br />
So tune your internet dial to <a href="http://theactioneer.tumblr.com/">theactioneer.tumblr.com</a> for all the hard-hitting, high-flying action shots you've come to expect.<br />
<br />Yours Explodingly,
<br /><br />The Actioneer
The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-15990977630071264902013-04-01T10:30:00.000-05:002013-04-02T11:42:37.430-05:00Watch It Online: China O'Brien (1991)<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/z0yuhosB1e8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
<br /><br />Beaver Creek, Utah is a real tough town - I mean, it makes Park City look like <a href="http://www.locationvente-deguisements-afeteria.com/admin/photos/produits/107_1.jpg">Disneyland</a>. Naturally, it's gonna take a real touch chick to clean up this real tough town. Enter ex-"big city cop" China O'Brien (<a href="http://www.eforu.com/cards/pictures/cynthiarothrock/16.jpg">Cynthia Rockrock</a>) - a "chop suey fighter" with all the right moves to survive this war zone of guns, chainsaw attacks and <a href="http://abc.utah.gov/laws/law_residents.html">3.2 percent alcohol limits</a>.
<br /><br />This straight-to-VHS action blast sold quite a few cassettes back in '91. Why? Why not? Remember, this was <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBf7X7lcMjk">the Year of V.I. Warshawski</a>. If you wanna see a 5' 3" redhead beat a redneck across the balls with a mic stand, there's worse uses of 90 minutes. Like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XpdSmfkvm0">China O'Brien II</a>.
<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2it1cDtC-iI">Watch it here.</a>
<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrh4Yin_eIk">Watch a "Making Of" featurette here.</a>The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-66875951685970893312012-11-08T12:05:00.000-06:002012-11-08T12:05:32.643-06:00Watch It Online: Red Sun Rising (1994)<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/g0jL6Lrk8_0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
<br /><br />It's pretty standard police procedure: if you think your problem's weapons and gangs, it's probably just a magical Japanese man. <i>Red Sun Rising</i> pairs action superstar Don "The Dragon" Wilson (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jutSUyjkRW8"><i>Hollywood Safari</i></a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqo6tSKPYb0"><i>Cyber Tracker 2</i></a>) with <a href="http://www.trekcore.com/specials/rare/dorn_farrell.jpg">Lieutenant Worf's ex</a> Terry Farrell (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z00PAxAX0BU"><i>Paper Dolls</i></a>, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Becker-First-Season-Ted-Danson/dp/B0012EM5DS"><i>Becker</i></a>). Wilson plays a Japanese cop, Farrell an American one. You'd think these two would get along swimmingly. Trouble is, Farrell hates "Japs" more than your typical <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozksd76CSIs">Pearl Harbor</a> vet. Somehow these two are gonna have to get along to defeat James Lew and his mastery of basic black casual attire.
<br /><br />Will Terry Farrell discover the truth? Will Don Wilson discover the truth behind the truth? And will either of of them discover the truth behind the truth perpendicular to the other truth slightly to the left of the actual truth? Find out in <i>Red Sun Rising</i>.
<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3nlVtPLIGA"><b>Watch it here.</b></a>The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-19227443709847944592012-06-20T15:27:00.000-05:002012-06-20T15:30:52.238-05:00Love at 24fps: Samurai Cop<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/D6gk04xzN3U" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
<br /><br />Like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0lGFFqGo-M">a porcupine fucking a basketball</a>, Samurai Cop must be seen to be believed. From the editing to acting, it's a pastiche of all varieties of cinematic incompetency. Little wonder it rendered lead <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0360481/">Matt Hannon's career</a> stillborn.
<br /><br />The film oozes sexual innuendo from front to back. No situation is too bizarre for some sort of ribald exchange. Often these come out of nowhere. As in this case, where a nurse - apparently finding it impossible to resist Hannon's smokey eyes and cascading hair - engages in some wildly unprofessional crotch grabbing. I smell a lawsuit.The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-47120127979153840912011-12-16T13:38:00.005-06:002011-12-16T16:15:51.784-06:00Coming Attractions: The Expendables 2<iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/7rkdTcQLwZ4" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="280" width="456"></iframe><br /><br />Prepare to be enraptured, kiddies - <span style="font-style: italic;">the Expendables</span> hath returned - and to sweeten the deal, Sly has crammed Norris and JCVD in his sparklin' new action package. Oh yeah, he's also brought "Hemsworth" along for the ride. No, not <a href="http://collider.com/wp-content/uploads/thor_concept_art_chris_hemsworth_02.jpg">the one you sorta liked in Thor</a>, but the one who melted your heart in Miley Cyrus' coming-of-age <a href="http://www.metacritic.com/movie/the-last-song">critical darling</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwLmQqRanvM"><span style="font-style: italic;">The Last Song</span></a>.<br /><br />This time, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0922346/awards">Santa Fe Film Critics Circle-award winner</a> Simon West is at the helm. Can he re-capture that <a href="http://www.thedashingfellows.com/docs/images/plot11.jpg">Con Air</a> magic of yore? We'll find out third financial quarter, next year.The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-43247396436676502022011-05-26T11:28:00.005-05:002011-05-26T12:07:57.499-05:00Death at 24fps: Under Siege<iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Kf206nMfkJI?fs#t=2m44s" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="280" width="456"></iframe><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Movie:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">Under Siege</span> (1994)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Perp:</span> Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Victim:</span> Bill Strannix (Tommy Lee Jones)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">SPECIAL ACTION NOTE: For our readers South of the Border, today’s death is presented with Spanish subtitles.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Under Siege</span> kicked off a three year-period known as Tommy Lee Mania – in which character actor Tommy Lee Jones would appear in every other film the Hollywood Dream Machine churned out. In this one, Tommy plays tie-dyed harmonica blower Bill Strannix, who fronts a rockin’ <a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6a/Johnny_Winter_at_Woodstock_Reunion_1979.jpg">white blues</a> band with a little sideline selling Tomahawk cruise missiles on the black market. Steven Seagal, more of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7cUxI4XHhs">World music fan</a> himself, takes exception to Tommy’s brand of the blues. He expresses this sentiment with a knife through the <a href="http://www.drtummy.com/images/stories/skull/skull_anatomy.jpg">Coronal suture</a>. After filming, Steve retired to his trailer to cut a few hot demos for his genre-spanning meisterwerk, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Songs-Crystal-Cave-Steven-Seagal/dp/B0009SQ520/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top"><span style="font-style: italic;">Songs From the Crystal Cave</span></a>.The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-55870007640103935002011-05-03T10:18:00.001-05:002011-05-03T10:21:14.116-05:00Most unnecessary release of the 2000s?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlIvXZ5dh39gEZHwYIJtPf9fNuYD3WKointI3aMuSO0ZqLlHDLfyZ4TsQvfQs6ikB-eI-0jzft5_Oim56LbUXsUpxRcct5KXC58OD-1xXb1BTu5_DVAnRb3jfWF7coLMvrwHqOWtYIY7Oe/s1600/00153edd_medium.jpeg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 398px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlIvXZ5dh39gEZHwYIJtPf9fNuYD3WKointI3aMuSO0ZqLlHDLfyZ4TsQvfQs6ikB-eI-0jzft5_Oim56LbUXsUpxRcct5KXC58OD-1xXb1BTu5_DVAnRb3jfWF7coLMvrwHqOWtYIY7Oe/s400/00153edd_medium.jpeg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5602510126000742898" /></a><br />Or most flagrant misuse of the word “classic”? You decide.The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-24258086734225889112011-04-27T16:07:00.004-05:002011-04-27T16:31:19.935-05:00Rambo (The Ballad of Wayne Scott)<meta name="Title" content=""> <meta name="Keywords" content=""> <meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"> <meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"> <meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 2008"> <meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 2008"> <link rel="File-List" href="file://localhost/Users/mentin/Library/Caches/TemporaryItems/msoclip/0clip_filelist.xml"> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:documentproperties> <o:template>Normal.dotm</o:Template> <o:revision>0</o:Revision> <o:totaltime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:pages>1</o:Pages> <o:words>335</o:Words> <o:characters>1912</o:Characters> <o:company>Publicis Groupe</o:Company> <o:lines>15</o:Lines> <o:paragraphs>3</o:Paragraphs> <o:characterswithspaces>2348</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:version>12.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves>false</w:TrackMoves> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:drawinggridhorizontalspacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing> <w:drawinggridverticalspacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing> <w:displayhorizontaldrawinggridevery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery> <w:displayverticaldrawinggridevery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:dontautofitconstrainedtables/> <w:dontvertalignintxbx/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="276"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--> <style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0; mso-font-alt:Times; mso-font-charset:77; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:auto; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Y0Zjt1DkT9k" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Music critics generally agree that the “Golden Era” of Italian Disco began in 1976 and ended somewhat abruptly in 1985. Coincidentally that was the same year that American expat Wayne Scott released this homoerotic floor-filler.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Scott looked in the mirror one day and realized he bore a striking resemblance to music superstar <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdVHyPIgT2s">Frank Stallone</a>. Weeks later, he stumbled into an Italian cinema, where Frank’s brother Sylvester’s Rambo: First Blood II played to excited audiences. A bolt resounded from the blue – Sylvester Stallone looked a lot like his brother Frank! Also, Rambo II was a popular film.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">The Gods of Marketing Synergy had smiled upon young Scott. In a rush of euphoria, he grabbed a notebook and scribbled the words that would become<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>“Rambo (This Time We’re Gonna Win.)” Hooking up with legendary producer Tino Nonzilla – he constructed a mournful elegy of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Aint-No-Rag-Freedom-Family/dp/0895260735/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1303939659&sr=1-1">patriotism</a>, vengeance and steaming man sweat – all set to swirling helicopter sound effects.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">The single was released two weeks later. Wayne was riding high on fame and <a href="http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/drink/views/Brandy-Alexander-232842">Brandy Alexanders</a>. He hired a few Chinese immigrants from a local junkyard to appear as Vietcong in his national television debut.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">The cameras rolled, the stage lights shined – Wayne walked out with a red bandana tied tight, gripping his M60 tighter. He lip synced his heart out, took karate kicks at the immigrants, flexed his gym-toned biceps. The audience responded with a puzzled yawn.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">The next week, Wayne Scott forlornly returned to his job fixing transmissions at a Fiat dealership just outside of Genoa. In the ensuing years, he tried to recapture the magic, recording further singles like “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObUuFsYgyGE">Cobra</a> (Do The Slither)”, “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18e4GeUwVWs">Demolition Man</a> (Unfreeze Your Love)” and “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKrxl5fXM8E">Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot</a> (No Shooting on The Dance Floor)” – but at that point the Italian public had grown more interested in ignoring songs based on <a href="http://www.impawards.com/2001/posters/bandits.jpg">Bruce Willis movies</a>.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Then one day Wayne Scott simply disappeared – leaving no forwarding address, just a scrap of paper on which was scrawled a recipe for “Scott’s Super Sweet and Creamy Brandy Alexander.”</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Locals say on dark windy nights they can hear still his voice, singing sweetly from somewhere high up in the Apennine Mountains…</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">“This time I feel so strong, I’ll sing the winners’ song, I’ll do it all alone, I’ll bring the boys back home…”</p> <!--EndFragment-->The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-50444595156529977942010-04-08T10:30:00.001-05:002010-04-08T10:30:00.460-05:00Death at 24fps: Universal Soldier: Regeneration<div id=":9o" class="ii gt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><object height="385" width="480"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ezoMf9caYG8&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ezoMf9caYG8&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="385" width="480"></embed></object><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">You may have missed it but last year, but the good people at Sony Pictures Home Entertainment blessed us with another entry in the venerable <a href="http://www.ralfmoeller.net/Photogalerie/Universal_Soldier_Photos/Universal_Soldier_3.jpg"><span style="font-style: italic;">Universal Soldier</span></a> series. Promisingly, this one re-teamed original stars Van Damme and Lundgren in what promised to be a real return to form for the sagging franchise. And while <span style="font-style: italic;">Universal Soldier: Regeneration</span> is not what one might call a <a href="http://www.guzer.com/pictures/fail-dog-frisby.jpg">failure</a>, it’s not quite the slam-bang action thriller we all probably wanted.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Unfortunately most of the movie belongs to stone-faced UFC pit-dog <a href="http://i15.tinypic.com/62hrzbr.jpg">Andrei Arlovski</a>. Saggy-eyed Van Damme looks like he’s been swallowing <a href="http://scienceblogs.com/bushwells/upload/2006/11/Thorazine.jpg">pharmaceutical-quality Quaaludes</a> as he sleepwalks throughout his scenes – in fact, he wrapped up his portion of the film in a hasty 20 days.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Probably the biggest insult is that Herr Dolph has been hastily shoehorned in for what amounts to a glorified cameo. Lundgren occupies the screen for all of ten minutes. His appearance is completely illogical, save to stick his Nordic mug on the <a href="http://iconvsicon.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/universal-soldier-regeneration-poster-lg.jpg">DVD cover</a>. If you feel cheated, you’ve every right to - although his super grisly death scene is pretty memorable.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Alas, saint that I am, the Actioneer has already presented it to you in all its glory.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Move on, kids…nothing else to see here.</p> </div>The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-84112458058284154932010-02-13T13:02:00.002-06:002010-02-13T13:11:31.668-06:00Soundtrack Spotlite: Talons of the Eagle<p class="MsoNormal"><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/0S0dEOsFztM&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/0S0dEOsFztM&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">80’s cinema was rife with inspirational anthems of victory. Lyrics chronicled men and women with their backs against the wall - whose indomitable American spirit allowed them to triumph over the odds and defeat Communism, ninjas, high school bullies, power mad industrialists, narcoterrorists and guerilla insurgents.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Some of these rousing melodies still resonate with us today (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Qae_TUTeGo">“You’re the Best”</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PuUflTcJzA">“Winner Takes All”</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COYRxf13tIg">“The Touch”</a>). Some are long forgotten (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqDFMksMg-8">“Fight to Survive”</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sQ4sLsD_3c">“Tales of Power”</a>). And some are “Talons of the Eagle”.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">Talons of the Eagle</span> was a tepid effort from “The Lebanese Steven Seagal”, Jalal Merhi. It marked the first of his three collaborations with Tae Bo huckster, <a href="http://www.hkcinemagic.com/en/images/movie/large/KingoftheKickboxers-LorenAvedon_BillyBlanks_2016c2520829f586ea10dccbc6b561c2.jpg">Billy Blanks</a>. The movie is of little interest unless you’re curious about what ever happened to<a href="http://www.iann.net/voyage/cleveland004.jpg"> “that chick who replaced Suzanne Somers on Three’s Company”</a>.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The theme song though, is something else entirely. To a chugging, mid-tempo backdrop of Toronto’s least-enthused studio musicians, Jonas J. Patricko implores that “you’ve got to learn to play the game, always stay cool” and that “you’ve got to stay strong to survive.” As it blares past the two-minute mark, one longs for the lyrical profundity of <a href="http://media.photobucket.com/image/stan%20bush/DavidFricke/stanbush.jpg">Stan Bush</a>…the studio wizardry of <a href="http://flabonde.free.fr/pix/jr/jan%20hammer.gif">Jan Hammer</a>…and then with the last off-key wailing of the wedding band reject back-up singer it ends – and peace once again falls upon the land. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">But how long before Patricko strikes again?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Keep your firearms at the ready, Actionettes.</p>The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-19976196341066825022009-12-26T11:03:00.004-06:002009-12-26T15:20:01.887-06:00Hello Again, Actionettes<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjri7qzynh-SjbUIIxlA0dN8lyAnsfi65SqqSC-LLTHfEWYdGFkvaA3QmfqVUUnCOkRhjRq3-cznvmAdzd8xd8q1aLgk-vSsAJ04BxQs1Y9t9E18V26ggg6xJGsD6C1sRYOWOzptLy2OZZ/s1600-h/me_africa.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 279px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjri7qzynh-SjbUIIxlA0dN8lyAnsfi65SqqSC-LLTHfEWYdGFkvaA3QmfqVUUnCOkRhjRq3-cznvmAdzd8xd8q1aLgk-vSsAJ04BxQs1Y9t9E18V26ggg6xJGsD6C1sRYOWOzptLy2OZZ/s400/me_africa.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5419592399925949490" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(0, 122, 200);font-size:85%;" >Me with my adoptive Jopanyali family: (from left) Abbo, Kissa, Mangeni, Magomu, Namono, Nasiche, Madongo, Mulogo, Ogwambi.<br /><br /></span></div>No doubt by now you are wondering as to my sudden lapse in communications. Truth be told, I have been hired on special assignment by the Ugandan government to eradicate a local warlord. I subsist on a diet of millet, groundnuts and when lucky - goat meat. The people here are peaceful and warm-hearted. They hold strong to truth, freedom, justice and the other tenets upon which which our forefathers built our Great Nation. For reasons of security and personal safety I cannot reveal my exact location but know this - I think of you daily, my Actionettes, and when next I have a VCR and computer handy I will continue my chronicle of this great and terrible thing we call the Actionverse. Until then...The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-29593717827695037802009-10-16T10:12:00.003-05:002009-10-16T10:41:54.570-05:00Death and Bad Acting at 24fps: No Dead Heroes<span><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/DkeNtDp5cOM&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/DkeNtDp5cOM&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br />The Movie:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">No Dead Heroes </span>(1986)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Perp:</span> Harry Cotter (John Dresden)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Victims:</span> The Cotter Family<br /><br />Yes, and it doesn't get much worse than this. <span style="font-style: italic;">No Dead Heroes</span> was a bargain basement Filipino cheapie produced during the height of the <a href="http://www.wrestlingworld.it/Historical/Biografie/nikolayvolkoff/13bolshevicks.jpg">Cold War Era</a>. Its plot, such as it was, involved an US Army lieutenant kidnapped by the KGB, implanted with a mind-controlling microchip and set forth on a mission to assassinate <a href="http://itodyaso.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/pope1.jpg">the Pope</a>.<br /><br />In this charming scene, KGB officer Ivan has sent Lieutenant Harry on a little test run. Now this 'test run,' a product of the deviant and twisted Soviet hive-mind, involves having the hapless drone wipe out his whole family. Oh, those Reds!<br /><br />The film is rife with horrendous dubbing and even worse acting. Just witness, these people can't even die convincingly...The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-55062113451243617882009-10-02T11:56:00.004-05:002009-10-02T12:30:22.054-05:00Bad FX Spotlite: Hologram Man<object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/tkUaC3Fx7xk&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/tkUaC3Fx7xk&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br />Welcome to the Actioneer's latest and greatest feature: Bad FX Spotlite - a special showcase for those visual effects masters whose special achievements weren't quite recognized by the Academy. There's always next year, fellas. Until then you'll have to settle for the Spotlite.<br /><br />Evan Lurie is a man of many talents, first and foremost his utilization of the <a href="http://theactioneer.blogspot.com/2009/05/love-at-24fps-american-kickboxer-2.html">"Chinese Balls Technique"</a> for wooing women (watch out, <a href="http://books.google.com/books?id=HrEEZEspvyEC&pg=PP1&dq=how+to+pick+up+topless+dancers+derek+evans#v=onepage&q=&f=false">Derek Evans</a>!). As highlighted in the film <span style="font-style: italic;">Hologram Man</span> (1995), he can also transform into an awkward, paunchy wax figurine that bears only a passing resemblance to him. How he utilizes this in the bedding of the fairer sex, remains to be seen. Conversation starter perhaps? Well, a better one than, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTXkws8dXGo">"Have you ever seen the movie <span style="font-style: italic;">Poltergeist</span>?</a>"The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-63495568349004517832009-09-29T15:09:00.003-05:002009-09-29T15:43:05.657-05:00Death at 24fps: American Yazuka 2<object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Stxf2H-zt9k&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Stxf2H-zt9k&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Movie:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">American Yakuza 2 </span>(1996)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Perp:</span> Koji (Ryo Ishibashi)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Victim:</span> Psycho (Bobcat Goldthwait)<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><br />American Yazuka 2</span> is a remarkably forgettable mobsters-and-coppers romp remembered by few save Danielle Harris’ <a href="http://www.geocities.com/spike3o0o/DanielleHarris.html?1055459547368">semi-pedophilic cult</a>. It does, however, provide sweet schadenfreude for all you haters of 1980’s comic curiosity <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTZthUTYPQ0">Bobcat Goldthwait</a>. Bob has a brief cameo as “Psycho,” a mentally imbalanced terrorist-without-a-cause who straps himself with dynamite and holds the local greasy spoon hostage. Little does Bob know, two Yazuka are among the clientele - and Koji (Ryo Ishibashi) and Hideo (Kô Takasugi) don’t appreciate anybody getting in between them and their <a href="http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4721586/moonsovermyhammy2-main_Full.jpg">Moons Over My Hammy<em style="font-family: courier new;"></em><span style=";font-family:courier new;font-size:78%;" >®</span></a>...The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-67126676684411111562009-09-25T10:46:00.004-05:002009-09-25T11:10:03.760-05:00Death at 24fps: Cyborg Cop III<span><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/HlsmCdL1FPo&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/HlsmCdL1FPo&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br />The Movie:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">Cyborg Cop III</span> (1995)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Perp:</span> thug (Sir Anthony Hopkins)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Victim:</span> Evelyn (Jennifer Miller)<br /><br />Kids, always remember: crime happens when you least expect it. One night you may be innocently walking out to your car and then <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOVqDxlAA9g">WHAM!</a> out of nowhere, some <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/22009366@N07/2125078390">thug</a> knocks you unconscious and delivers you to a cybernetic surgeon who implants microchips and other computer paraphernalia inside your body so when the opportune time arrives, he can activate you as a cyborg soldier in the service of the sinister cybernetics corporation, <a href="http://www.delta-technical.com/">Delta Tech.</a>The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-89959337470942569552009-09-23T13:39:00.003-05:002009-09-25T11:07:15.806-05:00Great Moments In Bad Acting: Cyborg Cop III<object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/urvHKi-BryA&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/urvHKi-BryA&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtDcJhra0v4"><span style="font-style: italic;">Cyborg Cop III</span></a>, the third and last entry in the <span style="font-style: italic;">Cyborg Cop</span> series, took a haggard, mangy, ready-for-the-shotgun franchise and lamely limped it across the finish line. It’s memorable for very little outside of Ian Roberts’ mind-shatteringly bizarre take on the villainous President of Delta Tech (and music box fetishist), Sheen.<br /><br />His performance is off-kilter throughout, but this is his coup de grâce. Like Nero fiddling away as Rome burns, Roberts arrhythmically chews his way through the hieroglyphic columns of his flame-licked lair - delivering his final speech to no one in particular save the smoldering remains of his best boy, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8R2oNqQAj0">Oscar</a>...The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-4739893746477315502009-09-21T14:38:00.005-05:002009-09-25T11:08:30.219-05:00A 15th Anniversary Cyborg Cop II Salute to the Air Ram<object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/UrNkIWin8N8&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/UrNkIWin8N8&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br />The sequel to <span style="font-style: italic;">Cyborg Cop</span>, the creatively titled, <span style="font-style: italic;">Cyborg Cop II</span> (1994) was a titular curiosity as it in fact featured no cyborg cops. It did feature an inordinately high use of the fabled <a href="http://www.stunt-training.com/gallery/air-ram-stunts-gallery.shtml">air ram</a>: that pneumatic device favored by stunt coordinators to propel stuntmen high into the air (whether appropriate to the action or not).<br /><br />Some might deem director Sam Firstenberg’s (<a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=McCinsey%27s%20Island">McCinsey’s Island</a>, <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Fb5RtsObtk">Motel Blue</a>) utilization of this hydraulic catapult nigh excessive, but not us at the Actioneer - we see it as a salute to <a href="http://www.blogcdn.com/www.urlesque.com/media/2009/02/ski-fan.jpg">American ingenuity</a> and compressed air and worthy of this very humble tribute...The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-49630292343456578032009-09-17T12:32:00.005-05:002009-09-25T11:08:15.657-05:00Death at 24fps: Cyborg Cop II<object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/verL2qQ7gw0&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/verL2qQ7gw0&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Movie:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">Cyborg Cop II</span> (1994)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Perp(s):</span> Jack Ryan (David Bradley), Liz McDowell (<a href="http://www.youreawesome.com/id5.html">Jill Pierce</a>)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Victim(s):</span> cyborgs (Peter O'Toole, Sir John Gielgud, Sir Peter Ustinov, others)<br /><br />The <span style="font-style: italic;">Cyborg Cop</span>-series has never been notable for its use of the latest in state-of-the art special effects technology. While <span style="font-style: italic;">Terminator 2</span> (1991) was wowing us with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXbghYw2vaw">morphing effects</a> and other feats of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SETqpbKMWro">CGI wizardry</a> - <span style="font-style: italic;">Cyborg Cop</span> (1993) was pulling cheap pranks like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__vtqeaFNQU">this</a>.<br /><br />So should we surprised when the second installment scraped for new cost-cutting lows? Surely not. Take this scenario, where we find <a href="http://ryrycomics.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/fannypack.jpg">fanny pack-fashionista</a> Jack Ryan and his sexy, dead-eyed gal pal Liz McDowell unleashing epic wrath on an ineptly murderous army of cyborg criminals. Note how these cyborgs are programmed to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2-6XdiR1iI">transmorph</a> into department store mannequins before detonating. This, as most political historians will note - famously provoked the ire of the powerful <a href="http://www.impawards.com/1991/posters/mannequin_two_on_the_move.jpg">mannequin lobby</a> - who were key backstage players behind the passing of the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mammography_Quality_Standards_Act">Mammography Quality Standards Act</a> later that year.The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-84704677002392308252009-09-15T12:36:00.000-05:002009-09-15T12:54:51.193-05:00Great Moments In Bad Acting: The Revenger<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/fXYDCuSb7Gg&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/fXYDCuSb7Gg&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />The fight scene is the bread and butter of Action Cinema. Where the genre may fail in providing complex, memorable characters, sharp dialogue ripe with subtext and thought-provoking, socially-relevant themes - at the end of the day, if there's some good rock 'em sock 'em fist play, then we generally leave satisfied.<br /><br />So how do you explain this, the "climactic" final battle of <span style="font-style: italic;">The Revenger</span>? Is it pure unadorned contempt for the audience? Or did they just have to wrap up quick before they would've had to pay the Union guys overtime?<br /><br />Also, I don't really understand how Frank's "finishing move" actually killed that guy. I mean he barely touched him. Did he induce some sort pulmonary embolism with some secret deadly technique he learned while playing the SoCal <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrETGwk2AWg">smooth jazz</a> circuit? I guess some things - like Frank Zagarino's continued ability to get <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78KxOpgYK3Q">film roles</a> - are destined to remain a mystery.The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-29311405030980311002009-09-11T10:54:00.003-05:002009-09-13T01:46:56.341-05:00Pass The Dr. Thunder: The CircuitIn these tough economic times we must be prudent and confine ourselves to a strict budget. That’s why, although we may have certain moral objections, we may find ourselves stalking the soulless, fluorescent-lit aisles of Wal-Mart; and while there, we may stop ourselves from purchasing that 32 oz. bottle of crisp, refreshing <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQPN3UKQM-U">Dr. Pepper</a> and instead reaching for a bottle of tepid, uninspiring <a href="http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/249814/dr_pepper_vs_dr_thunder_less_taste.html?cat=51">Sam’s Choice Dr. Thunder</a>.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpD8my194kmz3CN7kAcNe8M1aJXzlaYQhgcDCk7I2K4V7SMODsk3uZuplEGp8QKXxN1Oh65-71GYftZK9odhEzDZy9BC2_uQ9QnYRoil2ZXKqCRsNAsFYfE1Hr_k_ZJ1Tf1hXy9wiox9j5/s1600-h/drago.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpD8my194kmz3CN7kAcNe8M1aJXzlaYQhgcDCk7I2K4V7SMODsk3uZuplEGp8QKXxN1Oh65-71GYftZK9odhEzDZy9BC2_uQ9QnYRoil2ZXKqCRsNAsFYfE1Hr_k_ZJ1Tf1hXy9wiox9j5/s400/drago.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5380250881446837522" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(0, 122, 200);font-size:85%;" >"Consider yourself forewarned, Mr. Grunier: while you’re sleeping I may sneak into your hotel room, rend open your chest with my bare quivering hands and consume your still-beating heart. I apologize - this is a compulsion I cannot control."</span><br /></div><br />By the same token, if you’re a producer who’s assembling an exhilarant action package tailor-made for the talents of one Jean-Claude Van Damme but budgets are tight, you may find yourself casting the Sam’s Choice equivalent of Monsieur Van Damme: Olivier Gruner.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The Circuit</span> (2002) ups the ante, by not only starring the budget-line JCVD, but by also lifting the plot from his classic 1988 effort, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YZ1WSh2JWQ"><span style="font-style: italic;">Bloodsport</span></a>. Olivier stars as the improbably named Dirk Longstreet (<a href="http://gangstaname.com/porn_name.php">nom de porn?</a>) former "Eastern Seaboard Champion" of an illegal underground fighting society. Dirk’s since gone straight, as a track coach at Generic Local College State University Polytech A&M - but alas, T-R-O-U-B-L-E has a habit of finding the harried French Shotokan Master.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDhge2XML2wSXRxV90ck8CExYkoLc6zJnzhZ66pBg5zSQOfUECAee8Yu_cMSo2gKreTvB1vR9AnYBBT88PPROfxvnX9A1hEbgFaIDLYY5L4jW-U90qY5G0CpU5H9hAUjOX6G2H5x1AL0po/s1600-h/brucebuffer.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDhge2XML2wSXRxV90ck8CExYkoLc6zJnzhZ66pBg5zSQOfUECAee8Yu_cMSo2gKreTvB1vR9AnYBBT88PPROfxvnX9A1hEbgFaIDLYY5L4jW-U90qY5G0CpU5H9hAUjOX6G2H5x1AL0po/s400/brucebuffer.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5380250988579158594" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(0, 122, 200);font-size:85%;" >"My brother scores a cameo in the new <span style="font-style: italic;">Rocky </span>movie and I can only swing a role in this PIECE OF SHHHIIIIIIIIITTT!!!"</span><br /></div><br />See, his little brother Jeremy (Ilya Melnikoff) has gotten himself in gambling debt to some pretty rough customers and the only way to pay off his debt is compete in the Circuit, a deadly underground fight club. Now the only way to get his brother out is for Dirk to fight! Thank Satan the living corpse of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-vwJper1hY">Billy Drago</a> is there to help him freshen up his kill skills.<br /><br />Yes, this plot is as well-worn and toothless as meth-addicted Atlantic City boardwalk whore and no, director Jalal Merhi does little to inject it with any fresh ideas or compelling twists. It’s further dogged by glacial pacing and bland fight choreography, in spite of including several of your favorite fighting stars you’ve only sweated over in the pages of <a href="http://books.google.com/books?id=V84DAAAAMBAJ&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q=&f=true"><span style="font-style: italic;">Black Belt Magazine</span></a> including, but scarcely limited to, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWzTRHVfbQc#t=00m45s">the Dragon Twins </a>and <a href="http://www.facebook.com/supermanblanks?_fb_noscript=1">Billy Blanks’ brother</a>!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAeJ-C0imQbO-zIw98KBy430kRGyicRMIMdNr-3IOMFHKBtCjSWn8I8HRj4ueLvcuIJh05CdCGqTD-7SnHFViI1fq-L7JXpDdFk7HbZEuedKXnd1pH3RVWU7irWhyQZ6TkulgsjFeeVw9-/s1600-h/audiencemember.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 299px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAeJ-C0imQbO-zIw98KBy430kRGyicRMIMdNr-3IOMFHKBtCjSWn8I8HRj4ueLvcuIJh05CdCGqTD-7SnHFViI1fq-L7JXpDdFk7HbZEuedKXnd1pH3RVWU7irWhyQZ6TkulgsjFeeVw9-/s400/audiencemember.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5380251053567088738" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(0, 122, 200);font-size:85%;" >Laverne Montoya as Circuit Audience Member 37: <span style="font-style: italic;">Ms. Montoya gives by the far, <span style="font-weight: bold;">the</span> standout performance of the entire film.</span></span><br /></div><br />Apparently, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Circuit</span> made the prerequisite $235 in profit that merits a sequel in the Direct-To-DVD world, as it was immediately followed by <a href="http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi1274020121/"><span style="font-style: italic;">The Circuit 2: The Final Punch</span></a> later that very same year. This film has the habit of popping up on cable every once in while - and if you should see it in your program guide, avoid it like a charging Ebola-infected rhinoceros during mating season.The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-35796792500126749862009-09-09T11:39:00.007-05:002009-09-16T16:51:25.691-05:00Death at 24fps: Broken Arrow (pt. 2)<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/oy-7WiWoYm8&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/oy-7WiWoYm8&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 122, 200); font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >Video removed courtesy of the good people at 20th Century Fox.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Movie:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">Broken Arrow</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic;">(</span>1996)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Perp:</span> Terry Carmichael (Samantha Mathis)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Victim:</span> Max (Shaun Toub)<br /><br />The Eighties was a great period of Nerd solidarity. The entertainment community, with outstretched arms, celebrated the Nerd with such chef-d'oeuvres as <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL5pCtZEdig"><span style="font-style: italic;">Revenge of The Nerds</span></a> and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SP4672dSp3o"><span style="font-style: italic;">WarGames</span></a>. For the first time, the Nerd was granted genuine flesh-and-blood humanity and justly celebrated for his keen intelligence, technical ingenuity and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoT-h0S1gkE">ability to reprogram the targeting systems of xenon-halogen laser weapons</a>.<br /><br />Lo, the Nineties were a fallow and desolate period for the Nerd. Irrevocable damage was preyed upon their national character by the exaggerated posturings and buffoonish antics of television’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WT8miXZIhuc">Screech</a> and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTeOcVelYi0">Urkel</a>.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Broken Arrow</span> offers little respite. Here the Nerd, despite his rigorous Navy SEAL-training is felled in under a minute by a lowly <a href="http://www.bilbrey.net/images/TR%20Pictures/1800%27s%20Park%20Ranger.jpg">Park Ranger</a> - and a woman at that, too.The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-62521718964593542372009-09-07T10:34:00.006-05:002009-09-16T16:51:42.258-05:00Death at 24fps: Broken Arrow (pt. 1)<span><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/fV4imXf_J0c&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/fV4imXf_J0c&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 122, 200); font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" ><br />Video removed courtesy of the good people at 20th Century Fox.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />The Movie:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">Broken Arrow</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic;">(</span>1996)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Perp:</span> Capt. Riley Hane (Christian Slater)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Victim:</span> Maj. Vic 'Deak' Deakins (John Travolta)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Broken Arrow</span> was another in a string of misfires from previously relevant Hong Kong export, John Woo. The film is most notable for swathing Samantha Mathis inside a remarkably unflattering <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgckePAwNWEJDWOWuwFk4PIAeY7wpo-ndVdxUNO6wUg-bLfh4CtOX213g_sicDN0RtR5YyErzAuYOJYpQepGST8xHqpXVtj0RxV-_RjB6_0QVh-C3ZGfUNQAHg-mSUUePSavdHets6QpOCI/s400/park+ranger.jpg">Park Ranger </a>uniform.<br /><br />It also features John Travolta's most cringe-inducing performance since <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9sTxEuuyVU"><span style="font-style: italic;">Staying Alive</span></a>. Witness this explosive scene, in which <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT5lnynu9l8">Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barbarino</a> is out-acted by his own <a href="http://www.herospy.com/wp-content/hero%20spy%202006/odds%20and%20ends/edstandcopy.jpg">stunt dummy</a>. Man, that dummy really knows how to take a body shot...The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-44727711337840629232009-09-04T10:31:00.001-05:002009-09-04T10:31:00.629-05:00Death at 24fps: Hollow Point<span><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZZfGaFDzIm8&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZZfGaFDzIm8&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br />The Movie:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">Hollow Point </span>(1996)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Perp:</span> a shipping crate (Gene Hackman)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Victim:</span> Thomas Livingston (John Lithgow)<br /><br />Bad dudes, take a lesson from the Bond villains of yore: Never bask in your own vaingloriousness, don't orate or pontificate, and always look up, otherwise your dramatic death will be eminent.<br /><br />Also, hell hath no fury like woman scorned by the cancellation of her <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVfuW6-M4tA">middling syndicated series</a>.The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-68633477665390910492009-09-02T11:20:00.005-05:002009-09-13T01:44:05.916-05:00Smooth Jazz, Snuff Films and Revenging: The RevengerOne oddball trope of Action Cinema is the “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIU52Yeogdk">sax man</a> with an axe (or Beretta 92FS) to grind.” This was explored to great effect in John Woo’s classic <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CL6E5kb9bAo"><span style="font-style: italic;">Hard Boiled</span></a>. This was explored to lesser effect in <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-pEr1p80DQ">How to Play Baritone Saxophone: Fixing a Sticky Baritone Saxophone Key</a><a href="http://www.villagevoice.com/2003-08-12/film/s-q-u-a-t/1"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></a>. And then there’s <span style="font-style: italic;">The Revenger</span>...<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The Revenger</span> stars Frank Zagarino. If you don’t know who Frank Zagarino is, he’s the blonde, charisma-impaired sock puppet behind such instant travesties as <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urzEhw2uPUw"><span style="font-style: italic;">Airboss</span></a> and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi3165978905/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Orion’s Key</span> (aka <span style="font-style: italic;">Alien Chaser</span>)</a>. Frank stars as Mike Keller, a promising young saxophonist who experiments in the sort of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9jeYFJD6rg">high-energy, experimental jazz</a> you might have heard on the keno channel at the Sands Regency in Reno. Well, things are pretty peachy for Mike, he's got a hot record deal in the works and his eye on some sweet digs in Malibu but wouldn't ya know it, his ol’ pal Mackie (Arnold Vosloo) turns up and gets Mike involved in a high-speed police chase that results in one dead cop. And you know what means: five years in hoosegow!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhexfdhooHPEM_vLJDqQdaJ1xCbv-gZxZ9qXeufpzKrrlm3K0jUU1tATDg23-R34qgFr928wSDd5Ad_Z_fUOdwNgBMY9PMYN7ZX6EZiWazHnPViGrS3Cf0WrVevdzuNqff5_VmAws34pT4M/s1600-h/vlcsnap-5842170.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhexfdhooHPEM_vLJDqQdaJ1xCbv-gZxZ9qXeufpzKrrlm3K0jUU1tATDg23-R34qgFr928wSDd5Ad_Z_fUOdwNgBMY9PMYN7ZX6EZiWazHnPViGrS3Cf0WrVevdzuNqff5_VmAws34pT4M/s400/vlcsnap-5842170.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5376575878695337474" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(0, 122, 200);font-size:85%;" >"Frank, finish up your set - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYVEw0BMkSw">DeBarge </a>is on at 7:00."</span><br /></div><br />But never mind that shockingly light sentence for police homicide - Mike gets out and has a happy reunion with his sax (watch out, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkjoX1uBL6Q">David Sanborn</a>!). Also, he reunites with his best chick Lisa (Nancy Mulford).<br /><br />Enter our big baddie: snuff film producer, Jack Fisher (Oliver Reed). Kids, this one of the unfortunate side-effects of a lifelong battle with severe alcoholism - one day you’re <a href="http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi2633105689/">cozying up to Raquel Welch</a> and twelve blurry years later, you’re playing opposite Frank Zagarino.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiItUX95eH5LGuyVWL-DvjDphSh9HBXyD9j9KfDTv696b6JWDEzAcC80WVL9Pb6JdoEQRkGsNLsBrTU1OU5kzJzJKW9LOcYzCo09Ts_24fcVRmFbP6QHUqSnIYdu3WBcCP6m9X0bfVd_gtK/s1600-h/vlcsnap-5846109.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiItUX95eH5LGuyVWL-DvjDphSh9HBXyD9j9KfDTv696b6JWDEzAcC80WVL9Pb6JdoEQRkGsNLsBrTU1OU5kzJzJKW9LOcYzCo09Ts_24fcVRmFbP6QHUqSnIYdu3WBcCP6m9X0bfVd_gtK/s400/vlcsnap-5846109.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5376576184769741538" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(0, 122, 200);font-size:85%;" >"That's it, Ollie. Just a few more hits of that rock and you'll think you're back on the set of<span style="font-style: italic;"> The Three Musketeers</span><span style="font-style: italic;">!</span>."</span><br /></div><br />But I digress, see Jack thinks that Mike’s got a briefcase of cash that Mackie hid, so he kidnaps Lisa. What’s Mike’s brilliant idea? Find the money, but instead of exchanging it for his turtledove, stick Fisher with an athletic bag full of shredded newspaper. Good one, Mike!<br /><br />When this brilliant plan comes to naught, Mike enlists the help of his dead brother’s cyclopean Vietnam pal, Harry Crawford (who apparently was eight when he landed at Da Nang) and the two bust into Fisher’s <a href="http://gawker.com/179121/gawker-house-tour-the-guccione-mansion">Guccionesque</a> compound, guns a’ blazin’ and rescue the freshly-raped Lisa from Jack’s crack-addled clutches.<br /><br />After a long, mind-numbing stretch of double-crossings, cocaine consumption, vaginal sculpture exhibitions, beatings administered with prosthetic limbs and trite romantic interludes, it all wraps up at Crawford’s sylvan retreat in the California hills. There's a lot of corpses, and a lot of high-flyin' flames, and one of the most unconvincingly choreographed fight scenes you should ever see in your life.<br /><br />The total sum of these poorly crafted parts is roughly as exciting as working stock at Office Depot for the summer - and if your fast-forward finger isn't gettin' itchy after the first 10 minutes, then friend, you're made of stronger stuff than I.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGvL-nE86Bc7CCVXQHCyhv4kUSp7_b_SEjGDaJWb_12ZwahD8RjHsZzTPJBDdupT4JwcRxZAqG3gyuXchmr-4y-1rEOvxJ20J5i2-w1iMKLDEpjisxNmR8sYiJm5JVcZvOkmRUYcMa7Xc_/s1600-h/vlcsnap-5849177.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGvL-nE86Bc7CCVXQHCyhv4kUSp7_b_SEjGDaJWb_12ZwahD8RjHsZzTPJBDdupT4JwcRxZAqG3gyuXchmr-4y-1rEOvxJ20J5i2-w1iMKLDEpjisxNmR8sYiJm5JVcZvOkmRUYcMa7Xc_/s400/vlcsnap-5849177.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5376575642630698242" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(0, 122, 200);font-size:85%;" >Crappier ever after...</span><br /></div><br />We all have Cedric Sundstrom for this blight upon the film world - this is the man who would go on to bludgeon the <span style="font-style: italic;">American Ninja</span> series to death before disappearing into the bowels of South African television. And it must be said that it's truly one of life’s great ironies that Roman Polanski, the man who brought us <span style="font-style: italic;">Rosemary’s Baby</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Chinatown,</span> is permanently banned from our Great Nation*, yet the Cossack who squeezed this 20 paratransit pileup from his colon strolls free, a Citizen of the World. But I guess life, much like the <span style="font-style: italic;">The Revenger</span>, doesn't make a helluva lotta sense.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">* <span style="font-style: italic;">The Actioneer, its parent company and subsidiaries do not support the plying of underage girls with champagne and quaaludes, then performing lewd and lascivious acts upon them while in, or near, a hot tub.<br /></span></span>The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5360063361639267773.post-47240805780534776602009-08-30T12:47:00.006-05:002009-09-03T13:41:14.232-05:00Death at 24fps: Wanted: Dead or Alive<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/vTsX4A_Sblg&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/vTsX4A_Sblg&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Movie:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">Wanted: Dead or Alive </span>(1987)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Perp:</span> Nick Randall (Rutger Hauer)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Victim:</span> Malak Al Rahim (Gene Simmons)<br /><br />Gene Simmons made his auspicious cinematic debut in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jmw1LbetPEQ"><span style="font-style: italic;">KISS Meets the Phantom of The Park</span></a>, which was about as good a movie as <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdhsBRAQAlA"><span style="font-style: italic;">Hot In The Shade</span></a> was an album. In 1984, the newly makeup-liberated Demon, believing his acting chops proven, made his bare-faced film introduction as the villainous Dr. Charles Luther in the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AP2NGweD9_s">Tom Selleck</a> travesty, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCZY9Z6WvSY"><span style="font-style: italic;">Runaway</span></a>.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Wanted: Dead or Alive</span> has him essentially reprising this role, this time as scenery-chewing terrorist Malak Al Rahim, the target of Rutger Hauer’s Energizer Bunny bounty-hunter Nick Randall. It’s a sluggishly-paced, ultimately forgettable film and after Gene has officially <a href="http://www.theinsider.com/photos/674724_A_Gene_Simmons_Sex_Tape_Vomit">inflicted your eyeballs with gonorrhea</a> for a burning sensation-inducing 104 minutes, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpXSNVtsb8Q">Rutger</a> mercifully pulls the pin on his fathead.The Actioneerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02112732645089006813noreply@blogger.com0